you know i don't know, man. you honestly can annoy me sometimes. yet you can make me eat my own words and still WANT to vocalize myself and whatnot (but regret later, unfortunately). in my mind i still do not know what status exactly i want to label you or where i want to put you. i am confused but i could always be apathetic and not give a shit, really. i can. i'm doing a good job at it, and succeeding to boot. but gawd i hate this on-off thing.

wtf is wrong with you
wtf is wrong with you
wtf is wrong with you

so in clare's words, "stuff it up your ass" man. and in my words, you can "stuff it up someone else's ass".

i should be fine on my own, and with my bassssssisssst. he's all i need baby baby baby! (okay i did shopping so that's why i'm high)

In 1969 we were seventeen. We listened to the Beatles, the Stones, the Doors, the Velvet Underground, the Grateful Dead, Cream, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Bob Dylan. We read Rimbaud, played guitars, smoked pot, fell in love, rebelled against the establishment, protested the war in Vietnam, barricaded our high school, and produced the first rock festival in our home town--a small city in the remote southwestern corner of Japan...

--69 (by Ryu Murakami)

{ bye, hun(s) }
♥♥ ♥ ♥♥
- AWAY FROM 31ST~8TH -

my stand still stays. people were always around but never, really there.

i feel l
ike supe
rwoman. going through 3 days of JCTs, 'studying' and japanese lessons (plus lame dance steps) functioning on a total of 7 hours of sleep. yes i'm like stoned, zombified, cranky, stressed and fucking tired so i think you can guess--i feel absofuckinglutely wonderful right now.

anyway i watched battle royale a few days back! honestly it's a big 'WTF' movie that is exaggerrated too much and though it's supposed to be a satire to mock adults, it's so 'in your face' that you think it's just wierd that the adults didn't give a damn when they send the youths off to kill each other and they're dying like flies yet the adults are all 'shut up and kill your friends, have fun! ^


___^' like seriously man. but when i thought BR was a big WTF, BRII:requiem was even a bigger 'O_o WTFFFZZ0RRxX' it's like an army movie and the plot is just ugh. i prefer BR over the sequel WAY MORE now. at least the killing was fun to watch. in BRII the action barely started and already close to half the class died or got blown up from the explosive collars >>; okay well BRII had a hotter characters XD

on another topic, i'm glad that the bassist has decided to quit smoking together with his best friend (HAHA MAKES ME HAPPY THAT THEY DO THINGS TOGETHER AWW~ 8D) not that i had a problem with the smoking in the first place since he wasn't sucking on a cig every moment but oh well, 7th july GOGOGO YOU CAN MAKE IT! <3

nowaitshit, now he can't use the lighter i gave him! D: damnnnn. nevermind he can carrying it around and randomly set things on fire, that's fine with me XD

ksleepnow.

[EDIT]: i just watched a clip of gazette backstage on youtube with some subtitles (by a user tommy_september) and here are some prize winning moments~ 8D

backstage...
reita: *camera shoots at uruha and reita sticks his hand in holding his gurgling medicine* hey~
uruha: *sipping his drink* >>; you know, those things won't make people laugh. they'll think wierdly of you.
reita: no that's not possible.. cause this is gurgling medicine *holds it up in front of cam again proudly*
NO DRUGS *does an X with his fingers*
have the courage to say NO! *points at cam*
here say it, man. *cam swings back to uruha*
uruha: >>; *straightens top and walks away*
reita: don't just stand there, say it. *cam swings to kai*
kai: have the courage to say no *tries to keep a serious face and bows*
kai & reita: XDDDDD *bursts out laughing*
uruha: what a dork, stop it! >>;

somewhere in a building...
kai: i'm thinking of making some french toast right now, for everyone *stirs cracked eggs*
everyone is kinda depressed right now because of the technical troubles so--
some member at the side: we're not depressed. we're mad though.
kai: *laughs* --so i'm thinking of giving them snacks
think of it as my kindness. put lots of butter in it. my kindness.
*talks to himself while cooking* this looks so good. so good!
*makes a wheezing noise* i'm getting excited 8D
the presentation is important in cooking too...

in the car after the live...
kai: you know when your bass got unplugged you said 'i guess my bass doesn't want to leave yet' i thought dude! that's such a cool line
reita: but then they were all 'ahaha' XD
some member: oh dude, did you drop your necklace?
another member: oh my necklace is gone
aoi: oh yeah it was dropped somewhere
some member: but it's okay it was on stage
another member: i probably stepped on it
kai: ah yeah, you(uruha) suddenly stepped down right? i thought dude, is he okay?
reita: he fell!
aoi: he fell!
some member: he fell!
kai: oh, you fell that time? OO;;
reita: no duh, who goes off stage because he wants to? >>
kai: i thought you stepped down purposely
ruki: yeah, how did you not fall on your face at that time?

HAHA WIN! XDDDD

9th
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVOURITE GUITARIST (BESIDES MIYAVI)—URUHA!!!11!!1!11ONEONEELEVEN!! (aka urupon :3)
/end caps abuse
there's no guitarist more Awesome and Sexier than you <3
that’s a capital A and S, and the statement only applies to guitarists (excluding miyavi because that’s a different case HAHA)
j00 continue to rock hard on your pretty potbelly and wear more garters k XD
now if you can successfully quit smoking (BWAHA <- couldn’t resist the laugh) i’ll spam you with some moet 8D
yup, so drink yourself senseless on this birthday of yours!

as for now reita is still the <3 and shou’s engriz eez sho funneh itz bringin’ bac tha LULZ! XDDDD
/endcrack

8th
stuck on Katherine in the Trunk by Gazette. i can't decide if it's old school rock or rock'n'roll. i never did give much notice this song before but i've come to enjoy it alot because it's fun and has playful feeling, the kind of song i’d imagine that if it was performed in a small underground club, i'd be dancing on the table doing some goofy dance moves and enjoying the music while being a complete idiot. it's also a good break from all the loud heavy stuff i normally listen to. and in fact, i really like the basslines in here! so much so that i forgot to pay attention to the wonderful guitar solos XD oh reita <3 even with the song being melodious, you never know if the lyrics says otherwise. Gazette's music always covers up a lot of the underlying meaning. so i'm looking into the lyrics now and see if i can get anything out of it.

yup, so on repeat.

7th
too dependant on you recently. you were always there for me when you're... there. but other than that i'm just waiting for you, waiting till it's just a few hours to midnight so that we can have late night chats again. i really enjoy every session we have, be it crazy spazzing or deep talks about.. anything, or just trying to help me sort my life out. but you never leave me anything to do for you in return for you except write and just be there to listen when you're feeling messed. you just disappear, and when you do there's no one to assure me or to stop me from feeling all weak. i think your presence and words never fail to hold on to me, even if i'm on the brink of falling.

& even if you couldn't always be there, i realised that you're still with me after all these years. i've watched us grow, and i couldn't be more thankful to have a friend like you around.

6th
i drew stuff! i don't normally like to draw properly (sketching and doodling isn't counted) because the process is painfully slow especially when i want it to turn out decent. sometimes decent in my dictionary means perfect, depending on what i'm working on. and then once i draw i can't be bothered to colour it in. i like it rough and sketchy with pencil lines and everything, but i know that if it's coloured it will look better.

annoyed because no one's ever there to support/encourage me when i make decisions. very used to doing things alone. most of the time i like it, and then there are times that i hate the distance i put between myself and others.

if i could ask God something before i die i want to ask him to reveal to me in what kind of things did i have the potential in, what could i have been a natural at, maybe some special talents that i possessed just that i never had the chance or the opportunity to develop or maybe time just wasn't in my favour to prove me and my 'whatever i do turns out just average anyway' mindset wrong. i pray that he'll reply me something that i want to hear.

will teach my left-handed american friend how to use chopsticks soon (:

since i'm wasting my days, i'm also grumbling about how i should get a job and earn money for myself because i think i need it to back me up whenever i decide to do something when no one’s going to give me support. need a damn job. but i'm too lazy to look for one.

need to go shopping (i hate the summer fashion btw), translate and do homework and study. also need to get rid of people on my msn list because i don’t know what the fuck they’re still doing there. it’s an eyesore. SO BUHBYE!

5th
i'm just too unsettled/restless/bored/unfocused to do anything. be it work or anything that i like to do, it's just not working out for me. even in my playlist, there's not one song that i can listen to the entire thing without pressing the next button. and i'm too unmotivated to do the things that i like to do. i sleep for like 13 hours if i can and the remaining time when i'm awake i waste away my time and can't get anything done properly because i'm not in the mood to do a single thing. hate days like this the most.

construction work has been going on right outside my room since forever. they're doing piling works now. i slept at 4am and before i knew it it was morning and they've started piling like OMFGWTFBBQSKEDUGHR!!!11!11!ELEVENONEONE! it's eating my brains out. i can't watch television. i can still hear the noise though i have loud music plugged into my ears. i'm too lazy to get out of the house and to someplace quieter.

i woke up at 3pm and barely touched my lunch. don't know why but my appetite has been terrible. i feel hungry but i’m bloated even before i'm done with half of my food. i watched television with the volume at full blast. i came online. said i'll do my homework at 5pm, but nope, i'm still surfing through my playlist and getting frustrated 'cause there's no right song. i read the sentence on my sheet of homework over and over until like.. 6pm? tried translating something else, tried to do some graphics, tried to read, tried to do almost everything that i thought i would LIKE to do but did none.

it's now 7pm and i feel better that night is coming. the night definitely makes things better. hopefully i can finish up something.

i need to stop whining. great, another day gone.

recently it’s been the odd sleeping hours of 3 to 3 and really unhealthy eating habits.

let’s use some keywords shall we:
fucking. exasperated.

4th




this entry has been lurking as a draft for too long.

gah the birthday has been long over but still... *tries to alter the date* D:


&I'M BACK! suffered from room/tv/internet/bolster/reita-sickness and right now my head is all giddy @_@ the long coach rides were the best though sometimes it was hot and it made me all dizzy but i got to snuggle up at the back of the coach with yanting and kelly together with my mp3! yesssss so music and long rides minus the heat and dumb scenery = therapeutic! and i'm going to have more new music in my ipod because i bought a LOSTPROPHETS CD so ima rip it HIROSHIMABUMBAYEY! XD

and on a random note (that people won't be interested in): wah? kai's trying to get uruha to quit smoking? AWMAHGAWD I NEVER THOUGHT A DAY LIKE THAT WOULD COME! *spazzes* uruha's like... one of the heaviest smokers in the band?! XDDDD that would only mean... uruha's gonna focus all his attention to drinking 8D~ ahhhh but really, i can't imagine uruha not smoking. but fact is that he's already not touched a cigarette for TWO (FUCKEN) WEEKS! 8O <--shock. you doin' good urupon yoo make mammy puraoudo! (you make mummy proud XD) now you can make ruki go to a corner to think and reflect on how he PHAILED at quitting smoking XD REFLECT RUKI! BAD, BAD RUKI. AND AND AND reita thinks the way penguins walk is cute! OMFG ADORABLE 8DDDD (both the penguins and reita XD)

so now that i'm back, i need to do a few things: SHOP, STUDY, GET $$$, AND A HAIRCUTTTT!!! and 24th may my parecl officially got dispatched to overseas! i'm still waiting for new updates on my registered mail FWAAAHHHH. and i need to stop spazzing over the keyboard.

still fucking giddy help! x_x;; i swear the long bus rides made my brain go all wonky.

[EDIT] okay, after like twelve hours of sleep, i'm STILL giddy. especially right now i feel it the most when im in front of my tablet pc. like i'm going to fall off the chair any moment. pssshhhtt. eh and the blister i got from ice-skating! omffffggg hurts like a bitch you can see my flesh! pus and blood can't stop oozing out from the plaster ewww. k someone get me to stop whining.

i think i'm in love with Hal! <3

~%~

A BIG THANK YOU TO
kimberly, for holding me up and for the hot milo (which was still tasty even though it was cold)
julia, for wiping my sweat for me and cracking jokes to make me feel better; yes i heard you (though i was unable to laugh)
xiuwen, for trying to fan me with your fingernail-less hands XD the wind was rather good haha.

clare and kelly, for fanning me with your math A file and vball jersey plus eastina--for the much appreciated company!

i want to give you girls a big squish for just staying there to keep me company (i honestly thought i was going to die--YET AGAIN XD) and offering to carry me to the sickbay although i don't think i'd make it there and i prefer the floor to the sickbay beds ANYTIME 8D

and to the rest for all your concern, i heard you--all your voices (though i was feeling too terrible to talk or laugh or open my eyes. i felt worse everytime i had to speak or i sense people crowding around actually, but i'm not going to complain XD)

i hate to admit it, but yes i have to say that i'm fucking touched and thankful to you all for being there. TOUCHED YO. i can't remember the last time that i was when it came to.. people. >>; damn but i was looking all ridiculously unglamorous (it's embarrassing!) cause i was all @_@;; and x_x;; messy hair and all; someone please hit me on the head for still having thoughts like that XDDDD

ah, it was really amusing when out of the 9327469328 times the teacher took my blood pressure and pulse, 99.9999% of the time it was non-existent and only one time that the machine did show something other than a zero it displayed ERROR XD AWESOME. they said i was inhuman but hmm, i'd like to believe that i have very big blood vessels XDDDD

i need to stop scaring myself when i'm in the moment XD i believe the past two similar incidents that happened wasn't because of the stupid earring or earhole but the low blood pressure! :O anyway, i haven't gone to see REITA in JAPAN yet, so until then i'm going to be AYE-OKAY! only after i've met him i'll be then free to die of hyperventilation or whatever 8D

elective, holiday trip, holiday plans, current playlist, an cafe & birthday present

elective has been slack and fun! i was really scared to do a portrait because i never believed that i was good at drawing any human body parts or anything else besides a deformed figure. turned out better than i expected, but i still prefer sketches to be on paper by pencil than to photoshop with a stylus pen (unless it's colouring?) i drew hiroto anyway; i wish he would be my brother 8D i would have drawn reita if he wasn't missing a nose and his fringe wasn't covering half his face. or ms wong will say that i cheated XD

[EDIT] completed with colour now! *_*

& kinda bummed out that on the MOST ANTICIPATED DAY OF THE YEAR, i'm going to spend it in A PLACE WHERE I'M NOT ALL THAT ENTHUSIASTIC TO BE IN. or rather, KINDA RELUCTANT. fucccckkkkkkk.

hope to get a job with flexible working hours at a bistro, or some other slack place. if all else fails, i will go back to my grandaunt's restaurant. i BADLY need money. this year is going to be terrible if i don't. also planning to study a bit to get decent grades for JCTs, so airport, wait for me!

current playlist consists of songs from Ellegarden plus some christian rock (zomg it's english!). From Ellegarden i have Addicted, Ichi, Rosuto Waarudo (Lost World), Batafurai (Butterfly), Shi? Ku? and Salamander. highly recommended because those few are my favourites out of the really good pop-punk sounds they produce and reminds me a lot of Sum41 (you know Sum41 rules like whoa!). and i never knew that christian rock could be so addictive; it came as a surprise. i have 'pour' by skillet (refreshing sound), 'everyone' by esoteric (easy listening), 'yours' by tobymac (hard rock like whoa, it so sounded like linkin park) and 'puppet' by thousand foot krutch (rock and hip hop hybrid, i actually mistook them for limp bizkit!). so far i really like thousand foot krutch's sound and their style (:

AN CAFE RECRUITED TWO MORE MEMBERS AFTER BOU'S DEPARTURE?! the new guitarist is fine but someone convince me to not feel repulsed by the new keyboardist @_@;;

spent 50 bucks odd on the bassist's birthday present; envelopes, box, card and pens included. yes i even went to buy pens of his favourite colour to use (: i have my colour scheme all planned! gold and silver on black-everything! pretty damn proud of myself but now i'm just hesistating. because the last thing i want besides the post office/man/shipping to screw up and lose my present is the company interfering with it. my parcel better reach its destination and that's all that i care about right now. (i'm not really thinking about whether the other party would like it just of now) since i have a growing fetish for zippos, if i decide not to take the risk and send the present out, i could keep it for myself and send out the card (i'm pretty attached to that lighter anyway *o*) i want to be assured first that everything will go as planned. i don't think i can send it out and make it reach a few days before the 27th, and i definitely do not want it on the actual day or during the peak period, so belated it shall be :\ damn, i'm so NOT a birthday or a gifts person, but i guess when i do, it really surprises me at to what extent i will go all out to make it perfect 8)

4 steps to world domination >=)
1. Call pizza
2. Build airplane
3. Overthrow Govt.
4. Magic

I wish you were here. Things would at least be more bearable even if there's no improvement in the situation. You could sit next to me and not say anything. Be my pillar of support for a while though I was never used to having one around. I stopped caring a long time ago, but now I'm just left behind on my own.

I'll tell you something rather interesting, the last time I vomitted was when I was three or four, and till today I'm scared of that nauseating feeling. I'd never want to vomit again. But you know what? I'll gladly vomit all over the mothafucken people in my life who deserve it. Over and over.

I'll really get down to writing your letter soon, and send the lighter I bought for you along with it (: Although I must say that I'm growing really attached to it now I don't know if I should buy another replacement one after I send out yours just to keep with me.

Sincerely,
My name.

I haven’t been here in a while haven’t I? Was too lazy to anyway, and I don’t see the point of coming here when I have nothing (besides mindless jrock ramblings) to say. It’s been pretty blank hasn’t it. Plus I don’t think I’m very interested in knowing what’s going on in other people’s lives either, sadly.

I’m kinda bummed out because with this entry that I’m writing, I’m pushing down one of my favourite entries in this blog off the page D: yeah I know that’s an old entry written a few months ago but it is one of my faves! well, anything gazette that gets pushed off this page makes me upset. So screw this! Hah.

Yesterday night I was up watching a few gazette lives till the wee hours of the morning. In case you haven’t, you should! So I shall be pimping the entries that contain them. Click HERE and HERE. I could spend the whole night watching them over and over again! Live performances of songs like Discharge, Maggots, Carry?, the $ocial Riot Machine$ and Nausea & Shudder get me going almost insane in the middle in the night. There’s something about the music, the drum beats, the bass lines, the guitar riffs and the power that’s surging through the performance that makes my adrenaline pump through me wildy. It (momentarily) makes me alive. Watching the lives make my heart race rapidly and my body tells me that I HAVE to do SOMETHING now but I don’t know what. I don’t exactly feel like getting up and running about, nor do I feel like thrashing stuff around me, nor do I feel like headbanging, nor do I feel like screaming and shouting, nor do I feel like I need to get my ass over to japan and be there to watch every single action in their rock concert, nor do I feel like crying yet ironically, I feel like doing ALL of the above because I just can’t find the right thing to do now that will hit exactly at the right spot, to fufill my emotions (if that even made sense). Because, I think the only thing that will make me satisfied and make this unsettling feeling go away is to be up there on their stage, and be PLAYING their music. (have you seen the way they rock?) 'Cause by doing that you are having the uppermost hand, in control of the music, and definitely way crazier than the people headbanging down there cause you're playing it. To be in their place, play out music like that, to rock the house down, to feel like you have boundless energy to hurl out to the people, to have that ability to make everyone go wild at your feet is the only way to release everything that I’m trying to hold back now. Only that is of equal worth to what I’m feeling.

But that’s a different story, that’ll never happen as it reminds me of how I threw away things I shouldn’t have--like learning music. I quit because I was too young to understand, too young to know better. In fact, I threw so many things away along my path of growing up to be who I am now. All because I didn’t know better. And it’s fucked because I don’t have the courage to pick them up again. Big dreams, big goals, big spirit, Gazette were in the dirtiest, lowest ditch of their musical career before PSC picked them up and transformed them to who they are now. Well, they kept believing, and it happened. But how often does that happen? As far as I know my whole life I’ve been trying to believe in something, but nothing ever happens besides wave after waves of let downs and disappointment until such a point I think, maybe it’s time to stop bothering, to stop giving a shit about things that actually mean something, forget everything else, and only hold on to the rare few that give me an escape route to a temporary realm.

But you know, this isn’t about Gazette, nor is this about me wanting to pursue a career or a direction in music, nor is this about me secretly wanting to be a rock star (if that's what you're thinking HAHA). No. Definitely NOT a post about me trying to find my direction or aspirations that I have given up. Why should I lament about what I've given up or why I can't seem to do what I really want to do when I can't even answer questions about my whole purpose of existence. I'm not fit to think about those question just yet when I can't even figure out myself because i'm just too bored to think or care much. This is about me… trying my very best to sort out my thoughts because I think I left them somewhere behind.

Everyday I go to school (just cause I have to) feeling bored, tired, sick of life. Like I have no more left to give. Recently there have been situations where friends ask me ‘do you remember the time when we went out and you did something totally funny?’ or ‘do you remember yourself saying this when I first got to know you?’

No I don’t remember, I say.

And when teachers ask me, ‘tell me something interesting about your life, like what you really want to do, what do you really feel strongly about, where do you want to go from here, what other things do you see in your life, something memorable.”

Nothing, I have no idea, I say. I can’t come up with anything more unless I start to lie.

My parents asked me before over dinner, the rare times we went out as a whole family and ate. They, who know little about my life now cause they obviously don’t know ridiculously stupid things about me and my life that they ought to know, tried to small talk and asked me ‘So do you miss those old days? What was that thing you said before that you wanted to do? Anything you really like or want?

No, don’t remember, nothing.

And then somehow I receive questions about myself like ‘so tell me about yourself, what are you really proud of? Your accomplishments, your talents, and be honest.’

All I could offer was a blank stare. Nothing really, no big accomplishments, I feed on cheap thrills and no talents because I don’t think I was ever good at anything even if I tried; I was never good enough. And honestly? I indulge in self-loathing.

How awesome is it to realize that I’ve been through 16 years of my life, not remembering things that I ought to remember and not feel strongly about anything? Every week I look back and I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past 16 years and I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care. Wait, I think I used to remember, but during the recent years I accidentally threw them all out the window.

One of my goals, even right till this moment, was for me to become more and more apathetic, because I wish that I could stop caring so much, stop feeling so much because it never did me any good. I think I succeeded, because along the way when I tried to forget only the unpleasant things, I forgot everything else. I left friends behind, people whom I used to care about behind, left all my thoughts and the little means of expression I have with me behind, and tried leaving all my feelings behind so that I could be hollow, and preserve myself for the day when I really start to live my own life, to create my own memories that I really want to keep. Along the way I unknowingly emptied myself till the way I am now. I’m not totally void, but sometimes I think I’m a wreck.

Even now, if you gave me a chance to go back and pick everything/everyone I left behind, I don’t know if I’d rush back to collect them all. I don’t know if I’d hesitate, I don’t think I’m even able to make a decision. I know they mean something, but I don’t know if I want them. I think that most people and things out there are all out to hurt me in the end. Instead, I invest time, sweat, blood, the little care I have into people/things that would never return the same feelings, at least I know they won’t hurt/disappoint me, and keeping a distance like this is safe. Like people who never will be there. Like people who are there, but I end up pushing them away anyways to protect them from myself. You must be thinking that I’m crazy.

My mind is blank, it’s getting harder and harder to force thoughts out from me, it’s getting harder to even think because it’s become normal for me to coax myself into ignoring things and not bother thinking much about them anymore. Even if people ask me the simplest (random/general) questions, I don’t have any answer to offer. I don’t know how to live a life being too apathetic--I don’t think anyone can--yet I feel the safest and the most protected when I’m apathetic.

So I shall keeping watching Gazette’s lives till I’m contented, because my heart is racing (and it feels good), and its actually telling me to do something. A sudden burst of energy comes in the middle of the night, the itch for me to imagine and think about what could I have done and what will I do with this life of mine. They’re hurling millions of questions at me, every single one of them a strike at the heartstrings yet at a speed too fast to vividly make out what the question is. Ruki (the awesome vocalist) is shrieking in my ear, as though telling me to go back and pick up all that I’ve thrown away, the people who I’ve left behind, and to let go of all the feelings I’ve tried so hard to hold back. Just release.

But because I’ve already said that I’ve tried so hard now,
So I can’t,
I can’t,
I just can’t.

What was that quote again? ‘Sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.' Damn, I forgot who wrote that. As far as I know, this sentence means something to me.

Maybe I’m just dying to see Reita. Everytime I feel like I need to see him play his bass live yet I don’t know how long I have to wait before I can go, I have the urge to get my ears pierced. If I did have a gun with me now, I should have about 293692340 piercings. No I’m not sadistic nor do I like inflicting pain on myself. I just want to get my ass out of this stinking place and. watch. them. live. For now, may I emphasize, it’s the only thing that’s pushing me forward. That maybe someday, I just need to do ONE thing that will make me feel like I’m on top of the world and that I own all you puny ass faces out there. Stop feeling that I’m stuck in a ditch and happy to be in there.

I love nights when I start to think this way. Didn’t mean for this entry to turn out like this though. This is going to be the rare times anyone’s actually going to read something so personal about me. Thanks to Gazette. I think I just wrote the most honest and the best prose ever, yay for (rare!) optimism! Kudos to those who managed to read through this whole chunk, you’ve just learnt so MUCH more.

my toes are wiggling! because i'm experiencing a bouts of happiness and i'm excited (:

look WHO bought WHAT for WHO?! XD


all i need now are: the (very important!) address, an envelope, some bubblewrap, stamps, and a letter ready. i've never sent out a parcel before so i'm not sure how to go about it, but i'll figure my way out (: i'm excited, i have until may to plan this out! XD

i hope he likes it
i hope he likes it
i hope he likes it

'cause i put just about all that i have, my heart and soul, into deciding the perfect present since last december and choosing the right design. at one point i was very tempted to get the harley davidson or the jack daniel's zippo lighter but i didn't have enough money on me at that point of time so i passed. and i was taking FOREVER to choose the design i kept asking the lady 'do you think it's nice?' and she was very kind. didn't get annoyed or impatient with me, and tried her best in helping me out by asking me stuffs like 'what does your friend like? does he like skulls? crosses? or simple and plain designs?' and taking out many many lighters for me to see. there i was looking all troubled like 'i don't know o_o i think this might be his taste? what do you think? this or that? or that? or that?' XDDDD okay, i was being an idiot 'cause i just wanted to make sure that i spend my money on the right one. i was tempted to buy them all, suddenly i fell in love with lighters. i should start my own collection if i have enough money (though i won't really use them)

i don't think i'll ever see his reaction when he sees the gift, but the least i can hope for is that my gift gets to him SAFE and SOUND. i hope he'll like it and that the lighter will leave an impression; even better, i hope he'll use it! i don't see why he won't. he'll either carry it around or leave it at home to use (:

looking at the lighter makes me very happy. it's sitting on my desk now, the day i send it out will be the start of the days where i'll miss it. should i get another identical one to keep for myself? 8D k, i'm getting a little stupid.

AND GUESS WHO PASSED JLPT 3?!

that's right. it's a 311/400 though i thought i could do better. my listening pulled me down by a lot. i was never good at listening anyway. it's because of the listening that i felt so insecure and thought that it was actually possible for me to fail, which i'll really not forgive myself if i do, because i'm not supposed to. i'm very thankful anyway, and i'll continue to work hard!

well you know what this means?

i'm one step closer to achieving my goal of getting a JLPT 2 cert! i know very well that if i take this year i'll fail, but who cares, i'm going to take up some extra lessons, take the exam this year to gain some exposure and see where i stand. and then next year when i try again i will do all i can to PASS. if i still fail, i'm giving myself one more year. i have to get that cert by 18! o_o;;

anyway, thank you guys for the humongous stuff toy pig. i hug it to sleep everynight and it occupies half my bed space.

yey for the few times i'm actually sounding optimistic here.

{ C }
the kind of girl who mopes around about stuff ALOT
& somedays on mute mode

A LEFT-HANDER WHO FEEDS ON JROCK :D

Is a caffeine addict, & doesn't mind giving up talking for good. With not much self-confidence to start with, her ugly teeth upset her a lot but she plans to do nothing about it. Cheap thrills include rainy days, graphic designing, writing & a little dosage of her jrock darlings. Can conjure up some really good shit in her mind sometimes, but has problems putting them onto paper and into reality. Overall an average kid who's neither here nor there in everything she does, & gets bothered by it sometimes. Has trouble finding her direction in life. Mostly negative and wishes to be more apathetic. Currently finding a way to start a new life in Japan, with a different name.

Still likes to talk to inanimate things like her stuffed penguin.

♥REITA,
just because.

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